My Journey Continues back in Singapore

I'm in a complete lost of what I should do and what I have been doing.. My character is getting more like him, I hate it. Don't tell me is genetic. I want to cast it away, right away..

I need sometime to concentrate on my studies...

Yesterday, I was drunk. After dinner with my Company colleagues, I had a massive drink with my boss and our company's supplier. I didn't realize how much I had made a fool of myself and how much I had embarassed the people with me.

I had promised 3 times to stop drinking but I have broken the promises all 3 times. I forgot my promise, all I could remember the next day is how much I had myself look like a fool.

Someone told me, "if you can't drink then just stand firm and say no to drinking". If people offer, just say no I don't drink anymore and mean it when you say it. When I heard this, I got work out and reply how I wish I can have such a firm stand. Then I thought again, no I need to have such a firm stand if not I will never be able to succeed in life.

I have many thoughts but I tend to forget after that. That is disgraceful. Forgetful will lead me to failure.

Not only s

Since the break-up, I've thought through a lot and many advices I received from friends.

I learned that you're really in love only if you're willing to put him/her before you, think for him/her before myself then that is call real love. Love is accommodating, understanding and accepting his/her good and bad points.

I am thinking through if I was not accommodating and asking for too much in the last relationship? Although I have to agree that I realized now that I did not wholly put him first before me but I was trying very much for him to satisfy my need for his presence be with me whenever he can. Now, the problem is that he doesn't have much time even for himself so how could he really have much time for me?

We have been trying out for couple of months, I brought up the 'break-up' words many times but I supposed he wasn't trying his very best to keep the relationship until I went to Australia. Is true, I made a very big mistake. I went to Australia to make him angry and to show him that I can leave if I really says leave. I think it was a big shock and pressure for him to accept. I guess I can't really blame him after all for taking the courage to break-up with me with the reason that I went to Australia.

Love is blind. You will do anything and everything for the guy and sometime you will do something that you shouldn't had done for the one you loves as well. LOVE IS BLIND!!

Am I still in love with him? I don't know but I cannot deny that I don't miss him. Can I really give up on him? Yes, if he can really gives up on me..

Another long period since I blog again.

Ok, the fact that I'm heart broken. I thought I need to know the reality that someone I never really treasure says to break up with me thoroughly. The more upset thing is his attitude towards me then after he says break off. Don't get me wrong, he still says hi and etc to me. He asks me to treat him as a normal friend or a brother but let him treat me like a girlfriend. What the hack is this??

Not that he will doll me up, bring me out for shopping and dinner but when he needs me as a girlfriend, he ask me to be one to him. No, surely not!!

I may look innocent and naive to you, but don't you take advantage of me!

You have broken my heart and you never want to look back when I ask for a chance for our relationship. When you asked for one or more than once, I'd always given to you.

You are a cold blooded animal, indulging in your successful career and the services people serve you like a King.

I tell myself now, I need to let go or not I will be the one suffering even though he acts like he is the one upset and suffering over the break up.

From last month till now there has been a drastic change in my life. Now that my management course had finally completed, is time for me to step into the real working life pursuing my career.

Really thank God for opening career opportunities to me, bible says God will not give you what you just need but He will bless you more than you just need. In my life, He has indeed shower me with this blessing.

Currently, there is a job offer that I would very much want to take up but I am feeling a strong personal challenge with myself. I do not know if I can handle the stresses and the pressure from this position. It is a position that requires experience and yet I have only theoretical knowledge on how to work on the duties and responsibilities.

Last two weeks ago, Pastor Jones gave me a gift but I did not open up the gift till yesterday. God knows the right time and right place to open the present, He simply knows when I need encouragement. When I unwrapped the present, it was a book. The tittle of the book is called Facing Your Giants by Max Lucado, New York Times Best-Selling Author.

Max Lucado quoted this reminder, saying:

FOCUS ON GIANTS - YOU STUMBLE.

FOCUS ON GOD - YOUR GIANTS TUMBLE.

If you & I are ready to face my giants, God will help us go conquer the giants and difficulties.

I am inspired and encouraged by Max hope the above will leave you a depth inspiration to trust in God.

God bless you!

This week has finally started with several things that I need to deal and done with, I ended up don't know where to start with.

Exam on this thursday just keep me from doing anything, when I wanna start working on my assessment or pack my room all I think of is that 'No, I need to sit down study as much as I can for the exam'. When I do sit down to revise for the exam, I find it hard to concentrate with so many changes going on my life. Sigh..

I need to relax alittle...I just don't fansy the feeling of stark in the middle things that needs to be done. I just hope everything will be done by next tuesday!

This year, as usual I have reunion dinner with myself. Steak house managed to handle with only two staff so I can have a day off today. Food from that Hong Kong barbecue stall is always consistently yummy, no doubts on that. So I thought to go get some barbeque pork and roast chicken with my favour prawn wonton soup there for a Chinese New Year dinner for myself. Indeed, I have no regrets at all going there to takeaway my chinese new year dinner.

It is also a day for me to recap what I've achieved and what I have not.

Happy Chinese New Year everyone!~

Today, I had my mind full of serious thinking to do. There are a lot of things going on with my life even when it seems alright. I need to give up things that I am clinging on, it is true that I am just waiting for something good to happen from him but who knows whether it would happen or not.

I need to look at my life seriously, treasure myself better and see how it would affect my life and my life with God than thinking about others first. I am always stack in emotional feelings, feeling responsible of things that I had already given my best and in which I shouldn't be feeling so responsible at all.

I have decided to be steadfast and stand firm that I want to give up on the relationship, give up on my emotions and give up looking for attentions!

It is just the first day and I am already worn out.

Went for class today from 8 to 12pm and went for my 1st day of work experience in the noon at IATA office. It was a good experience and definitely an eye opening for me to see how they actually process and distribute the blank air tickets/documents. There are endless work needs to be done, getting the phone and fax number of more than 150 agencies every month to chase them for the return of unused tickets.

Anyway, I finished the day in IATA office by 4pm and went straight home to get ready for my 'paid' job. Restaurant was not that busy but was enough to keep us moving throughout the 4hours of work.
By the time restaurant were cleared without customers, my tiredness starts coming onto me already. Shame...just the first day of full scheduled, I am already dying from fatigue.

Alright, can write no more. Need some rest now, nite nite..

ZzzzZzz

If I say I don't miss him, that is a lie. Yet when I say I really do miss him, it hurts. No one knows, I can't and don't want to talk to my friends or even my family about it because I know what they will be telling me. 'Get over it Mag or let the past be past Mag and move on'. If anyone do says is easy to let it be a past and forget about it, is a lie.
A sudden and shocking news are automatically stored in your LTM (Long Term Memory) and it will almost always be there.

However, with this it strengthens me even more to move on in my life. Life is too short to stack there and tear about it, but yet let it be this incident make me stronger and push me forward even more.

He left too many memories in my heart, it hurts..No matter what I try to do to stop thinking about him, hanging out with my mates or stuff myself up with loads of studies and work he is still there in my mind.

Past few weeks, there are several people I met and couple of occasions that occurred and I start to realize that I am still not ready for a relationship. And if I do get into one, deep down in my heart I know I will be dishonest and unfaithful to the guy I will be with because I am not ready and I'm not sure when I will be.

Today, a old friend of mine called me from sg. I was shocked and honestly hesitated to talk to him. Yet after catching up with him a little, he told me that he is in a relationship now and they are planning to get marry soon. Really glad to hear that, seems like most of my friends are moving on with their life. It is indeed a joy in my heart when I hear from friends that they are doing well.
God bless them..=)

Enough of the emotional part of my life, tomorrow I will be starting a work experience at IATA office New Zealand. Truthfully, I am kinda excited, nervous and anxious to hands-on and gain relevant experience.
I'd never had work experience in an office before, yes it might sound ridiculous to you but it is true. Oh well, everything always has it's beginning. =)
do pray for me guys...love ya!

xox,

mags..